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How to React on Infidelity

So, most of my blog posts cover a particular relationship topic of my “Let’s-Talk-about-the-Protection-of-Love” list. 

 

However, today things have shifted DRAMATICALLY.

I received a big Shout-out for help. 

The message of that woman touched my heart and made me wallowing in bed back and forth at night. Here the details:

“I recently found out that my boyfriend was having an affair with his supposedly ex-girlfriend. I am super in love. I forgave him. I have since found out that he is still seeing and calling her. I am very angry and hurt, but I don't know what to do. I hate my situation, but I don't want to give up on us. We are fighting all the time, and he's always accusing me of doing something wrong. I am seriously going crazy.”

 

… this is like being in the midst of a storm. (And it reminds me of this story) 

Imagine dark clouds swallowing up the sun, and lightning dominating the sky. Giant waves toss your surfboard up and down, and the wind is so strong that you’re unable to lift the sails out of the water.  You’re alone, exposed to the brutal forces of nature. And you realize … by now, every decision is of vital importance. It’s not about the valuable and cherished surf equipment; it’s about your personal survival. 

I was 18 years old when it happened to me. And believe me, I was really terrified. 

However, in that storm, I discovered that my fear wasn’t helpful. At the contrary, it paralyzed me to get out of that hell kitchen. While thinking of all the things that could happen to me, when a flash of lightning strikes next to my surfboard, my fear almost drove me crazy. 

So, in that vital situation, I decided to trust more the rational than the emotional part of my brain to seek for a solution. Finally, I tested some strategies to navigate my board better and managed it to reach the shore, safe and sound. 

 

What I DIDN'T know at that time was … 

… that when our emotions heat up, the less we’re able to grasp logical decisions. 

And vice versa … the more you’re focusing on rational solutions, the more balanced and “silent” our limiting emotions become.

I think, the woman who asked for relationship advice is also facing a storm right now. And her fear stimulates fights and doesn’t lead to a solution. So, most important of all, she should keep a cool head. 

But how to do that when she’s still “super in love” and emotionally engaged? 

 

I know what I’m going to say now might SEEM too SIMPLE.

But as a professional coach, I firmly believe that the most powerful solutions are waiting deep inside of us, wanting to be revealed. 

In that storm, as I clung to the surfboard, I imagined that my best girlfriend was in this hell kitchen, not me. 

And I asked myself: 

“Which advice would I give to her to help her overcome this difficult situation?”

Because, here’s the thing. When we experience that a good friend is mistreated and unhappy, the protective lioness awakens within us. 

“I feel like we’ve begun to lose something important in our relationship, and I don’t want it to disappear.”

 

HOWEVER, the gravest challenge I see is that a couple will hardly work it out …

… when the man is in the midst of an affair.

If he’s still in a hot romance, nothing a woman does will drag him out of it. While he experiences only positivity happening, the drama of the established relationship isn’t attractive at all. 

The more nagging and needy a cheated woman becomes the more he feels attracted to the other female. But on the other hand she can’t just sit there; silent and doing nothing. 

So, she is like jailed in a vicious circle. 

When you’re exposed to a storm, you have to take care of yourself, of your emotional balance, health, and personal power. 

 

Just to be clear; that doesn’t mean that you’re giving up on your relationship. 

It’s about reconnecting to your integrity, and the unique personality within yourself. (With whom he has fallen in love.)

 

      

 

Infidelity isn’t easy to take. It damages one of the most important cornerstones of a relationship, which is trust. 

Trust generates a feeling of security, a vital need of all human beings. Recovering trust in a relationship requires great will from both partners

Only with a 100% commitment of both partners a relationship can overcome a breach of trust and grow even stronger. It would be important to dig for the roots of the infidelity, to heal the emotional wounds, to readjust the relationship routine, and draw a line under the affair. (In this case, I think the neutral help of a relationship counselor would be a smart decision.)

Because, as long as a woman feels resentment and keeps referring to that issue in challenging relationship situations, the couple will be unable to recover a trusted and loving togetherness.

Finally, we’re all humans with feelings and vital needs. And I had to realize that (as much as I’d like) - no words could ease this woman’s pain. 

The only thing I could do was … giving her some guidance out of the labyrinth of her contradictory emotions.

 

One thing is for sure (without the slightest spark of a doubt) ...

... it’s time to put an end to the stupid saying “She’s pushing him into the arms of another woman.” Because …

“When a man cheats, he’s making a conscious choice to do it.”

  Dr. Andra Brosh, Ph.D. Clinical Psychologist

 

With a butterfly kiss,

- Fanny Ritter Milz, Your Relationship Angel

 

P.S.  Tell me in your comments if you or one of your friends ever face such a challenging situation? How did you/ they deal with it? 

June 21st, 2016

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